I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
