the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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