Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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