found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
