i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
