i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
