yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
