I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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