I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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