She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
