I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
