I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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