When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
