areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize