I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
