New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We smell like vodka and hangover
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