its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
