Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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