Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This baby is an asshole
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
