there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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