Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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