I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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