I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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