I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
