my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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