did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
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I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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