Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
