What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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