I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
