i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
