i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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