I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
