Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize