that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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