I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
