The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
