i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
what is it with giant penises always finding me
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
