I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
