we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
