Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
