Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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