At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
