Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
