twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I need a beard to bite.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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