FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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