ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
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If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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