Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
