Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
