His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
