I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
