Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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