Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
please come you make the beer taste better
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
