Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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