I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize